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I’m big on forgiveness because I’m intense and offend people + cross boundaries basically all the time. It’s mostly by accident, I don’t notice until someone says, “I love how HONEST you are!”…which causes a deer-in-headlights response. The folks who hate it stop coming around. I wonder why, and it hurts.

Grace! It’s hard to accept. I love and cling to it with varying degrees of success.

My friend Vicki understands. She’s been told to “pipe down, be smaller, you’re too much, sssshhhhh” her whole life. People think that because you’re an open book with your huge self that it doesn’t hurt to get the smack down. QUITE the contrary. I’ve done a LOT of inner work so have learned to shut up on demand (my own and others), and to listen. I’m a good listener, but I’m not good at NOT being transparent, so, forgiveness from pals and family is key. Not everyone can do it!

There are practical tools to move toward forgiveness. For example, if I’m super upset at someone, or them with me, it’s best to talk it out in person. This can be hard because many people simply WON’T. It’s way safer or natural to be dismissive or aloof, or make up stuff that paints them in a demonic light. Catch that – the person you’re upset with for not loving you correctly painted intentionally to be a horrible person (pretty circular). It’s best to call them to try to sort it out on the phone, but NEVER by text, which is as effective as doing it at the bottom of a pond. I prefer to sit on chairs, breathe air, take turns, to cement the fact that we’re humans, plus you can gauge the sincerity and volume of their shed tears (or red-faced frustration). But most importantly, this way we’re reminded that actual, imperfect, worthy-of-love people are struggling.

We used to ask the kids to “…please, you two stay in the conversation until you’re both satisfied.” Name calling and yelling are penalties, gotta start over. The trick is to STAY in the conversation, and just staying there is a fat measure of success because it’s so scary. Once both are satisfied and have a warm, buttery feeling from a successful “recovery”, that monster is as gone as it is ever going to get, and therefore……and this is a doozy:

NEVER BRING IT UP AGAIN. THE PAST IS OFF LIMITS. Never.ever.bring.it.up.again.

The above works if your emotion quotient about the issue is under 9.25 but not higher, as from BIG hurts, lifetime hurts, which require bigger helps. I often don’t know what to do, so here’s how I trick myself to see if forgiveness is even a possibility:

Say you’re SUPER hurt by someone you love (or don’t love, honestly, as for example an effed-up child molester). They did something egregious, NOT modestly lame but huge, and you are inside out about it. Keep in mind that hate can = unrequited love. We require love, all of us, and if I’m twisted up about something it’s because I didn’t get loved or protected correctly. You really can’t hate a stranger, though you can hate what they do (that’s a different post). In this case let’s say you’re NUTS in the head with how utterly WRONG they are, hate an inferno in that darkness. Thoughts of hating them are steady, relentless. Ok, so here’s my trick/recipe, thanks for waiting: To find hope of forgiveness – just the hope, not the actual commodity – I picture the person literally all bloodied and chewed up by the roadside, helpless. BLEEDING OUT. It’s bad, they can’t move and they’ve been there for a while, they’re kind of unconscious and maimed. Here’s the test: Would I help them? Bleeding by the side of the road, would I stop? If the answer is yes, then the bottom line truth is that I may actually be able to forgive, EVEN IF I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.

Sometimes the answer is NO! Resounding! Like, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t stop for my abuser. I’d (happily?) let him bleed out even though it’s some unfathomable Christian Duty to help. But that’s God’s business. Plus this litmus is only to see if it is POSSIBLE to forgive, not that we have the power to do it, not that we actually can.

(ASIDE: I listened to every word of the Chauvin/Floyd trial while painting this cover painting. Can you imagine being a Floyd family member?! I hope they get help to forgive. This painting is called “We Can Breathe”, 4′ x 6′, it’s big.)

If forgiveness is an option, then it’s on me to figure out how. Therapists and friends can help, with the mutual goal of breaking free so that we do not regret the past or wish to shut the door on it. If people are advising you to bomb your target, you may want to find different help…

IN OTHER NEWS:

1. I noticed on my last/booze blog that I was still feeling a lot of those same angry ways, so the doctor gave me some nice post-menopausal pills! I thought you should know (and if you want to chat about how utterly awesome they are, 360.317.8373);
2. The Boathouse is on the San Juan Island Artists Studio Tour, June 5th and 6th, here’s the link: San Juan Island Artists Studio Tour
3. I’m launching a new set of Pacific Northwest Scents, stay tuned;
4. We’re having another August shindig here at the Boathouse, August 21 or 28, we’ll confirm. It was WAY FUN last year;
5. We have to raise the price of 1.7 ounce bottles of fragrances from $48 to $56, sorry (wholesale has taken off and that’s what the retailers sell them for)!
6. There are art prints available online now, they’re really nice ones on archival quality materials, framed, wood, metal, you name it. Here is that link! ART PRINTS, NICE ONES!

I love you, I really do, even if I don’t get it right every time.  Please comment and share, it makes the search engines happy.

TTYL,

Win